LittleCaramelFlan

"Tomorrow becomes yesterday too quickly."

It’s funny how my Mum thinks me looking depressed is normal and just as soon as I am eventually pick myself up again she thinks it’s strange :))

I am getting better but won’t be surprised if I fall into that cycle again. LOL but I’m SO glad that I don’t feel like my eyes are popping out in the morning I wake up anymore. It’s been nearly 2 weeks now. I don’t know what exactly helped me through this but I guess seeing that stranger/friend/acquaintance made me feel so much better. How do I put it… The same way as how you say “to have other people believe your lies, you gotta believe them yourself”, so maybe facing someone who you have to act normal in front of, somehow, gradually, makes you feel normal as well.

Can’t believe that I could have been in such state before, it feels so long ago yet so close that it might come back suddenly

Advertisements

My first all-nighter… Just don’t feel that sleepy for some reason even though I didn’t even take any nap yesterday.
Lying in bed looking at this Chinese costume drama called The Glamorous Imperial Concubine, starring Ruby Lin, Wallace Huo and this guy who I see all the time but cbb finding out his name.
Been watching quite a few Chinese dramas lately cause TVB’s got nothing except I’m following Swipe Tap Love, cause of my love for Raymond Wong and thought Priscilla is pretty cute too. But still this drama is still nowhere compared to Bottled Passion one that I was weeping over. Ok not exactly weep but it really touched me and (SPOILERS) I hated how he just died like that.

Anyway, all because I had nothing else to watch to decided to rewatch Mei Ren Xin Ji. It was still so good the 2-3rd time. Never could really imagine that Ruby and Sammul can create such good chemistry (what held them so strong was their trust for one another, my favourite scene is when he swears to trust her and to never ask her about anything, I mean how can you trust someone so much, actually happy because these people really existed in Chinese history). Ruby’s acting is too good. This time rewatching I actually got the chance to pay more attention to other characters, loved Yang Mi and Mickey He their love story, like it wasn’t too fast or too slow for me, reasonable. Maybe the misery made it even more notable. Also I came to realise/recognise more in depth of the characters (even just a little bit), Ruby’s sister and her love for her husband, you would tend to take it for granted until the end, she was at first using him to save herself but in the end became so bonded. The former emperor and his unrequited love for Ruby, it is quiet yet so strong, I mean if I didn’t like RubySam I would of rooted for him…
And this is exactly what happened in Glamorous IC, I’ve decided to stop watching after having finished only ep 7. Ruby stars in it, I know it’s good, good setting that I like, except that it’s 40-44 episodes in total and I’m so certain I won’t have the courage to stand the heartbreaks and watch the entire series.

I’m not sure if it is the reason but maybe I’m just very very biased, I watched one or two videos before I started watching to see the characters and what it was like; I instantly came to like the character Lian Cheng (ok he’s quite good-looking, nice costumes that I like but that’s about it). Still I started watching knowing that he is just the 2nd-3rd lead, he won’t end up with Ruby, that’s fine I will still give it a try, I thought. But after seeing all the nice beautiful scenes at the beginning I darenot continue anymore knowing it will be very heartbreaking. But not only until I googled and read about this character that I realised the actual complexity of this character, as well as others. Maybe it all just sounded so terrible and complicated to me because I am only up to that much of the series, but I’m somehow glad that I stopped.

http://w11.zetaboards.com/HuoMis_International/topic/7770454/1/ this is a link to the translation of the screenwriter’s note on the character.
I was actually in a long time patient enough to read every single word slowly of such a long passage. Because I couldn’t wait longer to know more about this character.

Now I’m so into period dramas than I ever already was before. Firstly because I like history, secondly because I found the historical people very interesting. Even though it is a lot of fantasy to be made a drama but I guess it does also give you insights about people, both past and present. Found the character of Lian Cheng explored so deeply, so naturally, somewhat like Frankenstein. How humans are born to love and everyone loves so differently. It is so miserable because in this drama everyone is so wounded inside, and one wound leads to another. Lian Cheng is taught to not to trust, he’s been wounded for a long time, he shuts himself off and living withdrawn in the dark. Just when he finds his light and he thinks he can be saved… Haaaa if all human beings could feel love, this world wouldn’t have turned into something like this. I don’t know what exactly that I want to and can do, but I wish I could heal all the wounded souls in this world. I know everyone has that inside them that needs a little bandage.

Somehow got into reading my old blog posts from a long time ago and they make me feel so 懐かしい and sad. How much I used to blog back then, all the little things sound a lot more interesting than they did to me before, compared to this lifeless life I’m having now, feeling rotten inside out.
How I could write about all the little tiny things in my days back then means that I was so alive, so into life, so absorbed, to have written so much about it. Now I can’t even put those things into words anymore.

Can’t sleep because I realised I put an extra egg in the flan today without knowing, I lost count of the eggs…

Post mid yearlies 2014

Last day of mid yearlies today, did very bad but yeah… This time of the year again where I can’t face my books and become so sick of my study notes.

My primary school friends are having a reunion thingo tomorrow. Wish that I was there to attend. Found so many of them through Facebook but only talking to this guy in particular cause he messaged on Facebook. Not interested at all but I feel like I’m using him to fill up that empty gap, which he actually cannot anyway lol. 

Have so many things I want to buy. Recently  got back to NCIS and love it like back in the old days. Gonna save to buy season dvd set. 

Met Julia today and did 3 hours of k, then went to Starbucks for her to get a drink and we talked for a good hour or so, about so many things. Not that anything is bothering me so much now, cause I feel like I’ve turned somehow so numb and just wouldn’t care about anything or anyone but myself. Or manybe this is just the beauty of being alone 🙂

 

 

LINKIN PARK’s Numb describes it best right now. Been listening to a lot of Linkin Park, Eminem and Blue’s fast songs.

image
Yes I’m still not dead still healthy and alive even though my sleep pattern’s been pretty much disrupted lately. Would wake up at 5-6AM in the morning for no reason, once even at 3 or 4ish I think. And the other night I couldn’t sleep til 4AM in the morning.

Might not go to karaoke again if not with Julia and Taekwondo mates cause I really wanna do something different, especially getting some fresh air. Might ask Wenxing to go to the Maritime Museum again (this time the patrol vessel has to be there!) or catch ferry to manly or somewhere. Wanna go fishing but I don’t fish and usually only hang around in a small group of girls so we never think of that activity. Wish that our family could spend a long weekend getaway together or something, just to get out of this place it sucks. Dunno why everytime I have study to do or I’m busy, family and everyone else is free and have fun, and once I get free time everyone just seems to be having fun with their beautiful busy life.

Haaaa…miss the navy ships and the Fleet Review so much..
Wanna go to look at new things like exhibitions or museum or aquarium etc. If pets were allowed I would take Mango everywhere with me, been spending more time with my dog than with humans.

Times like this when I just wish I could sit with someone without having to explain so much, being physically there simply means more than a thousand words.

I wonder how sad it is when I can’t even cry it off, obviously don’t need a shoulder.

Don’t feel like there’s anyone who could help, they’re all so physically distant, guess being technologically connected isn’t that much of happiness. I think I need some fresh air and space, some greens and nature. Could totally spend hours blank staring at the air if I were out there right now.

Finally time to blog

This week felt so long yet so quick, finished 5 exams in 4 days, no they did not go all well but I’m glad I coped somehow. To think about it, maybe not having internet for 2 weeks wasn’t all that bad :).

Still have Maths 3U and Jap speaking next week but one Monday the other Friday so pretty spaced out. I’ve been relaxing my brain all afternoon/evening, no rush, watched NCIS, walked my dog, watched youtube on the NCIS cast. For a second I felt my life was so balanced. But can’t wait for next week’s exams to finish and Ima go catch up with Jules, do a bit of shopping and glocery maybe cook or bake. Bring friends over for movies or something, Tony just bought a PS4.

Right before exam this week had some confict with bro and all that but we all good now. Thought that I would screw the whole week.

Can’t say the results will definitely be good but this is it, all done, I tried, this time very close to my best, maybe just a bit too late. But having done so many exams, realised that just getting through the week is already so awesome. Not that I don’t care about the results, but I used to do that too much, hurt my brain.

Taking a bath after a long week feels good…

Library chaos – exam period

On my way home from library now. Today is cold and breezy なんか懐かしい、、
We were sitting upstairs in the corner, should of sat in quiet study area/room. I knew that to some people this place is like a social club, but didn’t expect it to turn out like this. It was nowhere like this when I first started coming to the library frequently. I always thought the kids were so noisy, only to realise today that even the Yr 11-12 are unbearably unbearble. They would just come sit and chat chat chat. These Yr12 from hb were behind us and they kept swearing talking and all that be cool tihs. Then two other girls from some school (fort st?) came, the girls were discussing bio at first then went buy chips, then since then they just kept talking non stop to the guys. They just have no sense of sensibility whatsoever. I don’t know how it is on other days but today was just bizarre, all that chatter chatter. Anyway, keep talking about it will just make me go mad.

Exams in 2 weeks, bio assessment next week. So much Maths and JAX homework omg -.- can’t start my exam revision just yet, gotta finish moving. This is why you don’t move during such time…
Reached already, blog later +.+

Psych why you so competitive

Been doing intense research on psych courses and unis, just couldn’t stop once I’ve started doing something.
Just came to the realisation that this decent-looking course is fairly easy to get into but to pursue postgraduate courses is something else. There are many pathways for undergrad but by the end of 3rd year they will all (well mostly) compete for the 4th year honours. I have already thought through it and decided that if I ever choose this area, I will pursue further to be a professional practitioner. Might be because my interests are too broad to just settle for counselling and hr sort of things.

I used to think that Year 12 should be the last year of all that competition but now, lol psych. I really didn’t think of spending another 3-4 years in uni competing against a bunch of kids not just academically (finally realised how much of an average student I am all this time haha, I am certainly not that academically bright at all compared to the population; I see myself having to work extremely hard to get into an average course), but also I guess coming to this point, it is really the how-much-you-love-this-course matter. Again I see myself getting into an uncertain pathway again, while others do a 3-4 year course, graduate and work, I sit my butt studying for another 2-3 years. That’s not the problem though, told myself. I am MORE THAN WILLING to spend 6 years (or more) on this career. But what’s caught me thinking now is that my position is not even guaranteed. Yes, I do like psych, interested. So are the rest of those other thousand kids out there, enrolled, up for the postgrad.

Still don’t know what I was born for, until now the only slightest hint that I’ve got is that I’m greatly interested in humans and the brain. I like helping people to solve their problems, interacting. But I also like the research, don’t know how much I do but it excites me to think that I might be contributing to the treatment/cure/prevention of those neuro diseases. So I wanted to be a doctor, but I can’t manage to calculate moles and gas volumes. Jordan was one of the people who inspired me, before I knew him I didn’t even have a slightest idea that engineering could relate to human minds and such. But I ain’t keen on physics either.

Counselling

Been listening and chatting with these 3 friends of mine a lot past few days about their relationship stuff and started to feel overwhelmed cause I couldn’t get any work done..

It is hard to tell them what to do because who am I to judge? But I hope the girls know it better and not just settle for any guy that comes their way.

Post Navigation